Been looking back at my life, and I gotta say, I'm pretty disappointed that no one's ever called me "tastycakes".

I meant to text "I take these things very seriously", but I accidentally texted "I take these thongs very seriously." ... Awesome.

Okay, I understand that this is your first time being stalked, and you're a little freaked out. But be thankful-- I could be fat.

I would like to thank my mom for saying, in my sex talk when I was 15, "Don't be the girl who blows everyone."

I put the "white trash" in "not quite figuring out this meme."

I run on Pepsi, Hot Cheetos, and Gummy Worms. But I don't run on my feet. NEVER on my feet.

I learned everything I need to know about studying in Sex Ed.

This cashier points out the weirdest things. I never wear pants past nine.

favstar makes me sad T_______T Only three? Really? Maybe tomorrow... nope, still only three. sigh.

Any movie with the word "cunt" in it is a movie I wanna see.

I am woman, hear me whore!

There are so many seeds in this Watermelon, I thought it was Kate Gosselin.

I'm pretty sure that they get the most valuable information out of terrorists by making them watch Renee Zellwegger movies.

My dad's been in the bathroom for WAY too long. I hope he's not committing suicide, because I need to PEE!!

You know where you work for seven hours, and while there you think of several good tweets, but forget by the time you're off? Yeah, that.

I find myself saying the phrase "That's either a very ugly woman, or a very pretty man" far too often.

Making me wipe myself off is so unromantic.

After my previous tweet, I immediately lost two followers. Obviously, they are anti-zombie radicals and unwilling to be more open-minded.

I gain more followers by not tweeting.

There's a joke in there somewhere, underneath the depression and self-hatred.

I think Texas is trying to compensate for its small penis.