In the shower, I like to pretend I'm a medieval time-traveler who is confused by the strange "rain closet" I'm in. That's normal, right?

The Berenstain Bears Maul a Hiker. #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting

If ipecac was spelled iPecac, there would be a lot of people paying good money for the pleasure of violently throwing up.

The Manhattan Project was like the Traveling Wilburys, but with physicists.

Ryan Gosling saved a woman from being hit by a car? This proves that the universe is a simulation controlled by a teenage fanfiction writer.

What's a robber's least favorite element? COPPER!

GET IT? GET IT YOU GUYS? IT SOUNDS LIKE A SLANG TERM FOR POLICE AND OH GOD I'M SO ALONE.

I've developed a new hobby: arguing with Billy Joel songs.

Twitter is sort of like an imaginary friend for adults.

Whenever I see a guy with a ponytail wearing a suit, I think, "This must be what it's like to see a jackalope."

"Cute rich people are getting married! Oh my god! Oh, and hundreds of people are dead in Alabama." -CNN news coverage

I feel bad for men in the Victorian era. They had to stand still for a very long time before they could send women pictures of their penis.

If I were a porn star, I would call myself F. Scott Titsgerald.

Reading On the Origin of Species. I'm at the part where Darwin starts punching everyone and shouting, "Naturally select this, assholes!"

I propose we rename muffins "breakfast cupcakes," because let's be honest with ourselves here.

I think this is really taking the whole sexy costume thing too far. http://t.co/rZAzOekG

My grandchildren will be all, "What's food grandma?" And I'll laugh and tell them of the days before government-issued nutrition loafs.

After reading George Bernard Shaw's scathing critique of Mendelssohn, I really wish Shaw could have lived to hear the Black Eyed Peas.

The chairs are sooo high in my biology lab. I need to wear a longer skirt so it doesn't turn into an anatomy class.

Good news, we don't have to study evolution anymore. It was just disproved by some guy's one-star Amazon review of ON THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES.

Someday, Quikster and Netflix will run into each other at summer camp and plot to get the companies back together.