"Maybe later..." is a polite way of saying "Never"

I stole a wall calendar once. I got 12 months.

Your children are my birth control.

According to statistics, the main leading cause of divorce is: marriage.

Twitter = Weapon of Mass Distraction.

If you loved her, you would wipe it off for her.
If you loved him, there shouldn't be anything to wipe off.

If you see a really funny tweet but you don't star it because of your own personal prejudice, you're doing it wrong.

The hardest part of trying to stop my wife and my girlfriend fighting and getting jealous over me is

....neither of them exists.

Do you know what's worse than following someone who isn't as funny as you originally thought? Nothing, not a fucking thing at all.

The most ironic thing was seeing this woman with the word 'CLASSY' written across the ASS of her Walmart sweatpants.

I always get really hungry whenever I see a girl wearing a dress with spaghetti straps.

The sex was so fucking mind-blowing that even my roommates had a smoke afterwards.

Apparently I already have a Twitter girlfriend and a Twitter wife. Somehow I think it's the same guy.

If you really think your life is going nowhere, spare a thought for those who are on Twitter.

Twitter: Where what you say has been said a million times before.™

You all should stop tweeting now.

There's a 'man' in human.
There's a 'man' in mankind.
My goal in life is to be the 'man' in every woman.

We follow each other yet we don't star each other? Isn't that like a marriage without the sex?

Living at home with your folks at the age of 40 is like having a PhD in celibacy.

Anything lube can do, I can do butter.

On a scale of 1 to Lindsay Lohan, how seriously fucked up is your life right now?