DO make sure you orgasm today, women. It's good for your mental health plus free plus lovely. Everyone's a winner! #InternationalWomensDay

Any footballer who refuses to change his name by deed poll to "Poppy Popster McPoppyhead" is basically laughing in a dead soldier's face.

I'm so bored of all this "left-wing" and "right-wing" nonsense. It's partisan and divisive. Why don't we just say "good and "evil" instead?

Oh, mooncups... I am HOWLING with laughter: http://t.co/3fR78dDA (via/@impeus)

Stop getting annoyed by lowest common denominator rentagob Jeremy Clarkson. He's doing it deliberately because he's never made a woman come.

Shall we elect a new leader while Cameron's in America then when he gets back pretend he never was leader and say he must have dreamt it?

Best Titanic review ever. Best anything review ever. Except that Mooncup review that one time. http://t.co/8KgzIS3l

Can't wait for Labour to come out and say that they'd buy the Queen a yacht too, but only a £59m one. That'll show Cameron.

I don't know who Hugh Grant's seeing atm but I bet she's seriously getting it tonight. "Who brought down Murdoch? That's right say my name!"

PLAN: let's follow the #twitterjoketrial judge round til he says "ooh I'd kill for a nice cup of tea" and then all shout "AHA!" in his face.

RIGHT. Has anybody got David Cameron's mum's phone number? I've had enough of his nonsense now, I'm telling.

"Cameron to fill holes in nation's finances by privatising orgasms, sparrows, free speech, rainbows and the smell of your firstborn's head."

Stop saying "defence budget" and start saying "attack budget". New rule.

Just told a balaclavad policeman to uncover his face because there was a section 60 in place but he said "that's for you lot not us".

I see you driving round town with the girl I love and I'm like: OK, I respect her autonomy and her right to choose her own sexual partners.

We're back in recession? When were we out of recession? Nobody told me about it. Was my library reopened? Did I get a job? #noandno

Men! While we're all off womaning it up like women, why not pass the time by checking whether or not you're sexist? http://t.co/0pBFiHh0

How many women have you eaten today? I've had five so far. Two with lemon and sugar, two with nutella and one with bananas and golden syrup.

This is exactly what signing on is like. Brilliantly, upsettingly accurate: What is it really like to claim JSA?: http://t.co/Yr62puk7

Man next to me just said "I'm on the train love" and I didn't loudly shout "He's lying! He's in bed with me!" so I'm definitely growing up.