If we have sex and I'm still capable of making a sandwich afterwards, you didn't fucking earn one.

I don't mean to alarm anyone, but THERE ARE UNUSED ICONS ON YOUR DESKTOP!

If she's calling it her "period" instead of "blowjob week", you're fucking up somehow.

Christ, the Lifetime channel was on all night. I awoke feeling cheated on, raped, adopted, battered, and even whiter than I already am.

FREE INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE: Get your shit together.

If you love something, shut the fuck up. If it comes back to you, make it a sandwich.

Let's stare at our phones together sometime.

Guys brag about Guitar Hero scores like they don't know a clitoris can easily identify a real guitarist.

Me and this recliner go way back.

Penis pills are so silly. As a woman, I promise you that your size doesn't matter until after the break up.

"I hope this person I'm following on Twitter will post their horoscope for me every single day.", said nobody ever.

You had me at, "I have you now."

With liberty and justice for oil.

Look, just don't marry someone whose butthole you wouldn't lick, and everything will work out fine.

Does this EAT SHIT AND DIE make my ass look I HATE YOU?

I don't understand why women get mad about guys watching porn. Like HELLO have you not seen this shit?! PEOPLE ARE NAKED AND FUCKING

BREAKING: After extensive whatever the fuck, scientists have concluded some shit.

Why did the woman cross the road?To complain about the other side.

Playing the 'I love you more/Umm nooo I love YOU more' game with my reflection on the microwave. 18 seconds left! WHO WILL WIN

Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same Cheetos stem cells, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?