My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn't get me anymore. I. Don't. Want. A. Fish.

I used to smoke after sex, but I've learned to slow down.

God must have really wanted Saturn because he put a ring on it.

If you shave it, he will come.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Insanity didn't run in my ex's family. It galloped.

Wish Facebook would stop with the reunion invites. I already know what the football captain is up to. He mowed my lawn last week.

I'd love to be a lifeguard at the gene pool. I'd let a few of them drown.

I always say, "Fuck me insideout, you fucking beast" with a British accent. That way he thinks I'm cultured and shit.

Does this avatar make me look like I've been dead since 1962?

I have big plans for tonight. They include popcorn for dinner and dying a little on the inside.

About 80% of Pam Anderson turned 43 today. Congrats.

Ever had sex so good that when you tell friends about it, they need a cigarette?

My boyfriend is jealous of the Xmas tree because the ornaments are hung better than he is.

God might work in mysterious ways, but it still doesn't explain the popularity of Crocs.

If left to my own devices, I always hope there are enough batteries.

What we've got here is a failure to fornicate.

Depression isn't the kind of going down I was counting on.

I like that laziness has instant gratification.

When he said he wanted to take the relationship to a whole other level, I didn't realize that he just meant doing it upstairs.