Not that I'm actually GOING to, but I'm just saying I COULD lure kids into my van by promising them a free Zune (I have like 50).

Was in a rap battle with my 6 year old. She was dropping SICK rhymes, but I was all "RIP Tupac" & shot her, so moral of the story is I won.

Just looked out at the ocean and saw a SHARK (or wave)!

Girl, I just want to stare into your eyes as we run into the sunset. It's gonna be dangerous, wear a helmet.

I hate feeling conflicted about things like when I eat something really good that’s bad for me or I kill a fly with a human head.

My wife's looking up Basset Hounds, and this is going to be just like the time we had those kids and she forgot to feed them.

Can't wait to take my 1 year-old to his first toddler beauty pageant. I'm so tired of going to them by myself.

I don't wash my hands after I pee because my penis is clean, assuming Kurt's asshole is clean.

God, I would fuck you so hard. But you're a cup of coffee and I don't want to burn my cock and this isn't going to work out. Stop crying.

Practice kissing my beer bottle. No applause wtf.

But, seriously, do lady squirrels have a clitoris?

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I killed your dog and stapled him to the front of your house. Want to get sushi?

Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with you, honey.

But yeah, you're gonna have to start selling blowies.

Don't take this the wrong way, but your face looks like someone threw up on dog shit.

See? You're always so sensitive. Jesus!

Remember when I nailed you on the table in the food court?

Anyway, Happy Valentines. It's late. I couldn't remember your name.

This kidnapping isn't working out like I'd hoped. Give me a Hickory Farms gift basket and you can have him back. You'd be doing me a favour.

Found a dildo on the street. Waving it out my car window and screaming “I FOUND YOUR DILDO.” It doesn't belong to anyone at this drive-thru.

Baby, I'm gonna frost your cinnamon rolls. Because without it, they're kind of dry and we're out of milk.

Also gonna jizz on your tits.

Now that I can watch porn on my phone, I'm not sure why people are bothering to invent new stuff. Time machine? NO THANKS. PORN ON MY PHONE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY PASSWORD MUST CONTAIN LETTERS AND NUMBERS? I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT SHIT!