Gross! I just walked into the bathroom and caught one of my coworkers using an anusbrush to clean his MOUTH!

Just noticed the geniuses at Walmart misspelled "daiquiri" on my tattoo but whatever how often do you even look under your lip. #expiredham

Thought I saw Jesus in my mango smoothie. Blended for a minute longer and it turned into Meryl Streep. She is so versatile.

Anyone know how to say "Please bring me a bran muffin and some gauze pads" in German? Kinda urgent.

Applebee's gift cards: Because it's logistically impossible to mail someone a flaming bag of dog shit.

If my name was Dave I'd text my friends today saying "IT'S FRIDAVE! LET'S PARTY!". They'd be sick of me by Tuesdave.

Is it racist to hate Puerto Ricans if the only reason I hate them is because they remind me of gross Mexicans?

I'm not one of those creepy dads who leers at his daughter's teenage friends because I have morals & her friends are gross.

Just ate some soul food so authentic I want to steal a bicycle.

There's a screaming baby on the bus and, honestly, now I don't know why I stole it.

I'm very tired and I wish those orange, cone-shaped children would stop playing in the street.

Fed my 3 kids free Costco samples for lunch today. I wasn't given this #1 Dad t-shirt for nothin'.

Fellas, it's ok to let your bros see you cry. There's nothing wrong with it, as long as you murder them immediately afterwards, you homo.

We got a housekeeper because my wife hates cleaning so I don't get why she's so angry about this hooker I brought home.

I just fell asleep at the wheel. It was a wheel of cheese but I still ran into the median.

Smoked a cig. Am I cool for smoking or cool for calling it a cig? Or am I dumb for almost failing geometry in 10th grade?

my name is rio and I'm dancing on my desk and why's everyone looking at me weird it's friday lighten up jesus who called security you jerks

I can't get a signal in the bathroom so I leave the door open. So my coworkers don't think I'm weird, I tell them I'm scared to be alone.

I didn't think telling someone they look exactly like David Schwimmer would be so upsetting, but this lady is crying pretty hard.

I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.