If this lady is creeped out by me undressing her with my eyes she's going to be none too pleased when I start undressing her with my feet.

For once I'd like to be able to eat a sandwich without someone pooping in the stall next to me.

My nipples are rock hard right now, which is surprising because I haven't even seen a black lady's rear end this evening.

Just went to IKEA. Alone. Spent $200. I think blowing dudes is the next step.

It's drunk o'clock and I'm the drunk of drunk!

Wearing a mixture of Old Spice and Brüt. Find me on Google tomorrow under 'drowning in pussy'.

Costco at noon. Because I needed to stock up on cereal, produce, socks, and murderous rage.

@CharMoonUnit I'll yada yada yada all over you.

What I lack in sexual ability I make up for with crying over my lack of sexual ability.

Spent four days in Texas and yada yada yada my colon is now the strongest part of my body #brisket

No need to get punchy babe, I just wanted a little milk; how was I supposed to know you weren't breastfeeding?

Got a "CHOKING HAZARD" tattoo above my penis because I'm looking for a girl who finds irony attractive.

@kolchak @Miss_Cook @sucittaM @ruthakers @edgellace @sunnybucket @brunchchicago Y'ALL SURE ARE A BUNCH OF UGLY MOTHERFUCKERS

Think I discovered the secret to perfectly trimming my butt hair. All it took was a complex mirror setup and waiting for this IKEA to close.

I know some people think AIDS jokes are in poor taste but it's *my* mom so I think I should be allowed to make them.

Call me old-fashioned but I think the guy should roofie the *girl's* drink.

Just got the keys to my new house so it's time to christen that bitch (*eat a block of cheese while crying in the fetal position)

I've only been single for a short time but I think I'm already in love again. I'm just connecting on soooo many levels with this burrito.

Anyone wanna come to my Mad Men season premiere party? Gonna wear suits, drink some booze, smoke some ciggies, maybe have a donkey show…

She said I was getting the short end of the stick then I said wait 'til we have sex then I laughed then I cried now I'm hungry