An Apple "genius" was looking at my phone when a "bring home tampons" text popped up. Nice timing, mom.

I'm so homophobic I always make the dude wear a condom.

This girl must not know Morse code because I tapped 'I like you' on her forehead with my penis but she's just laying still in this coffin.

I'm sorry but I really thought it was 'O Come Like Old Faithful' WELL FINE I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THIS CHURCH ANYWAY

'Tis of utmost class for a gentleman suitor to allow his lady to decide upon which part of her person he shall poop.

Ladies, calling it the "Cat Scratch Fever" doesn't make that STD sound more rock n' roll. Now let's get you out of those pants.

I just think if I take the time to dream about Brad Pitt he could at least kiss me back. And the rape whistle was a bit much, Brad!

I'm a slob, not a fighter.

If you don't want to see a PowerPoint presentation of my trip to the proctologist then maybe you shouldn't be in this budget meeting.

I won a stuffed animal from a carnival game this weekend so I'm 2/3 of the way to a threesome!

You wouldn't think a 33-year-old man could fuck up a trip to the store to get milk and cat litter but here I am at a strip club.

What's the worse offense while driving: texting or masturbating? QUICK THE COP IS ALMOST AT MY CAR DO I HIDE MY PHONE OR PUT MY DICK AWAY?

Peeing in the shower might not be for everyone but it's REALLY frowned upon by the prudes at Home Depot.

Just honked my horn at a hot girl on the street as I drove by but she didn't chase after my car so fuck that stuck-up bitch.

Do they do abortions for dogs? And don't say "push her down the stairs" because that's in poor taste and it didn't work.

Having issues with a toilet I bought; nowhere did it say to remove it from the box before using it. I'm suing the fuck out of Home Depot.

I'm drunk and ready to get retarded! Wait, that's not politically correct. I'm soberly-challenged and ready to get retarded!

Four hours? If an erection lasted more than four MINUTES I'd call a doctor because holy shit that would be weird for me.

I tried talking to someone about my erectile dysfunction but she was all "Look sir, do you want fries with your Big Mac or not?"

My cat sure loves playing inside this plastic bag. Or at least he did. He hasn't moved in a while. Must've tired himself out.