I hate honking cos it just sounds so mean, can they make another horn that makes a sound like "I'm not mad at you, but the light's green"?

How many Tiger Woods does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but it'll be a while cos he's screwing in like, 10 other light bulbs.

Smart cars are great if your trying to cut back on gas, they are also great if you're trying to cut back on getting laid.

When someone says "I'm really full" all I hear is "I'm gonna have to poop in a few hours"

Remember, if you stop drinking when the bars close, the terrorists win.

God it's always embarrassing when a scooter passes you in your car.

My friend is throwing ninja stars. If I die, make sure everyone knows I died in a really awesome way.

if there is a hell, it's filled with guys in crocs and girls in uggs, and they all talk about how much they love their uggs and crocs.

"You never turn down a high five. Ever." "I dunno dude. If a guy yells 'the holocaust!' I wouldn't go up for it."

Just saw a ups delivery man glaring down a fed ex delivery man. I'm praying for a showdown.

I think that the penis will be the downfall of the human race. I can't explain it in only 140 characters though, sorry.

Dudeman comes into the store, and asks me "hey, do you know where I can get a fishnet shirt?" I hope I don't look like a guy who would know.

There are no laws in love.Except for restraining orders.

The nice thing about the sun going down around 5 is that I don't feel so much like an alcoholic when I start drinking at 5:30.

I love fall because the temperature outside is getting closer to that of my cold cold heart.

I judge people based on if they prefer Pepsi or Coke. People who prefer Pepsi are deemed untrustworthy.

64 ounce big gulp, also known as the urinary tract infection and diabetes cocktail.

Richmond air: 60% second hand smoke, 15% hipster B.O., 10% evaporated spilled PBR, 5% farts, 5% homeless smell, 5% fresh air.

Do any other fellas think that every time they use emoticons they lose ten mascilinity points?

I would love to see Sarah McLachlan and Michael Vick fight. I mean, I know Michael Vick would win, but that doesn't mean I'm disappointed.