My boyfriend brought me flowers tonight and I'm just going to say he's sweet and ignore the fact that he probably fucked my sister.

Diet Coke's slogan should be: "It'll balance out the whiskey, you fat fuck."

If my neighbors don't stop screaming, I'm going to be forced to continue sitting here seething silently.

Life lesson #207: talking about things always makes it worse. This message brought to you by people for hiding feelings.

God I hate teenage girls. I'm ashamed of myself for ever having been one.

My bf never favorites me. So I'm taking applications for a new one. I provide lots of video game consoles and frequent, unenthusiastic sex.

When my mom says she doesnt "get" twitter, I tell her its a simple matter of quantum physics and greek mythology. I can't let her follow me.

I just realized how much thumbs look like butt plugs.

I bet my boss wishes I spent half as much time getting ready for work as I do getting ready to walk to the coffee shop.

Sometimes I realize I have no idea who most of my friends are, or how I know them. I drink, is what I'm saying.

I'm not arguing, i'm just making insane generalizations.

The main reason I won't have kids is I don't want an umbilical cord growing inside me. Those things are just awful looking.

I hate when my rationality gets in the way of my narcissism.

I can't decide if I want my twitter to be funny, or just prove to ex boyfriends/boyfriend's exes how awesome I am.

why does every night end with me drinking absinthe and googling "how do I find a drug dealer?"

You know what? All of you who voted against prop 19 don't get to have a brownie. I made enough for all of us, but now you don't get one.

Listen. I can feed the dog, or clean up the three pans of scrambled egg residue on the stove. I'm not running for jesus here.

I can forgive people for not being me. But people who don't even try? Fuck them.

Sometimes, you meet a girl, and you use a lighter to make "melted straw sculptures." This is the kind of girl you need to keep in your life.

Ok, my dog is addicted to flaming hot cheetohs. If ever a dog and a person were meant for each other, it's Lucky and me.