Cat is disappointed with 2AM snack. Look, cat. Find your own spiders then.

Ah. Typos. This means I won't get a gold star and essentially my life is over

I simutaneously gained and lost a follower with that comment. One man's trash is another man's treasure.

I get the whole 'God wouldn't give you more than you can handle'. I'm flattered by the trust, but seriously, knock this shit off.

Twitter, where are these new followers coming from? Is it my snazzy new avatar? Or my dry wit? One can never tell.

Today I washed the bathtub and then I made dinner. I don't remember if I washed my hands. 13 year old is alive so - so far, so good.

I'm going outside again. Twice in one day. Clap for me, people. Clap.

Whenever I hang up with a customer, I always make a hissing noise. I don't know where it comes from. Perhaps my inner evil comes out.

Why is Joe Jonas on the leaderboard? What the hell is wrong with you people?

Prepping for Friday's presentation. Times like this makes me wish I had a sassy cool twin. Or access to uppers.

Sentences that begin with "we love you very much, you're a very dear girl" tend to not end well.

I was going to shower but then I started catching up on Tumblr and now I'm never going to be clean, am I?

Honestly, the next time I shoplift, I should make sure the item works.

I have come down with a sudden desire to watch Titanic. Something about a sinking ship really resonates with me right now.

Boss is going to Las Vegas for 5 days. I'm jealous because I'm fascinated by bright lights and strip clubs.

Hey, look. My boss is calling again. She must know I'm home. I ignored the call but I'm pretty sure that didn't fool her.

We have to walk around the block because my mom is trying to avoid running into one of her many boy toys. Yes. MY MOM

Today I found out that in Texas, it’s illegal to put graffiti on someone else’s cow.

Whenever I need filler space, I use big words and long sentences. Like substituting 'to conjure up' instead of 'think.'

Blues from Blues Clues is a girl? I was misinformed all these years.