I like to start the week healthy eating salads then slowly deteriorate to having unprotected sex with hookers and shooting heroin by Friday.

I feel like I am running out of time to fulfill that Golden Girls ménage à trois fantasy.

Wife: "Why are you googling 'herpes'!?"
Me: "Uhm...I'm checking the spelling."
<akward silence>
Me: "For a tweet."

Well, I just saw the bride's nipple, so this wedding has potential after all.

Toilets should come with scales so you can see the difference.

Your Honor, I plead not guilty by reason of expediting darwinism.

HR didn't seem to appreciate the irony of my "Kill Whitey" t-shirt. Neither did Whitey in Accounting.

The cast of Jersey Shore rang the open bell at the New York Stock Exchange today. Yea, I'm shorting America.

Doctor: "Any regular cardio?"
Me: "Does vigorous masturbation count?"

...akward silence...

...flex my forearms for effect.

Jennifer Lopez is pretty fucking hot for a tranny.

Wife: "Do you think she's pretty?"
Me: "She's alright."
Wife: "Would you bang her?"
Me: "Oh, of course."

When people say there is a special place in hell for people like me I like to respond, "I know. The room with all the hookers and blow."

Do these assless chaps make my butt look big?

Forecast for NYC tomorrow: back sweat in the morning followed by severe swamp ass in the afternoon.

Whenever I shake someone's hand I like to lean forward and whisper, "Gentle, I just hate fucked that hand."

It's not gay if it's different species.

I keep getting all this spam about how I need viagra and where I can get it for cheap. My wife is so annoying.

New rule: Anytime someone honks their horn it has to blast equally loud inside their car as it does outside.

I'm pretty sure Ring of Fire is about herpes.

It rubs the twitters on its skin or else it gets the hose again.