There's a new morning after pill for men. It changes your blood type....

I knew they were serious about math in catholic school when I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign...

I snore so bad sometimes, we may have to get separate bedrooms. Hubs only snores when his balls fall over his asshole and he vapor locks.

Me and this Benadryl are getting to be close friends. Haven't been this dry since offering to be a test case for Astroglide at the FDA.

My neighbor was dressed up like a ghost, but he was sheet faced. And full of boos.

My lips are chapped, but just right for sanding a woody.

OMG. Dumbgirl coworker asked if her email will still come through if she turns her computer off. Holy shit.

I tend to star you if you make coffee come out my nose, make my peekachoo quiver, or just...ya know, fart really good.

I just paid a bill by check. Hand written, in pen. What an odd sensory experience. Think I just had an out of keyboard experience.

Both hubs and FIL are asleep with their chins on their chests...drooling banjos...

Board member came by my new office & said, "I like what you've done with the place." ME: "Cuz I'm the mutha fckin feng shui office queen."

Gotta go load the wash into the dryer. And lean against it real hard. I'm home alone tonight.

I won't tell you where I was this weekend, but most of the couples at that party have been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.

My adult son's cap just fell off his tooth. I'm slipping a Roth IRA under his pillow tonite.

What the hell is a Honeymoon Registry?? Are we supposed to chip in for sex toys to take along with ya?

F*cking Campbell goes down more often than my hubs after I've douched with Prego.

So I gotta new betta fish to replace the croaked one. His name is Blocker.

No, I really don't want to hear about your draining sinuses and swollen lymph nodes. FB should be renamed TMI.

They say to get the projects you hate the most out of the way first thing. I looked at FB. But now I'm nauseous.

Told The Mister to pick up the candy for Halloween, and he came back with a 64-pack of razorblades from Costco.