The most awkward part of sex is when my neighbor's realize that I've been watching them.

Pickup basketball is like sex. I rarely play. And when I do, people just ask me to keep my shirt on.

Every so often I try to masturbate a long word into a conversation even if I don't know what it means.

I worked up the courage to ask a cute girl at the gym. She didn't say "no" but she did tell me to "Get out of the girls' locker room".

I haven't been with a woman in months. And by "with a woman", I mean literally in the same room as a woman.

I would spend billions of dollars and years of research perfecting human cloning just so I could tell a "playing with myself" joke.

Saying "It combines my two favorite activities: eating and sex" is not a good way to ask a girl out on a date.

I lied about my age once so I could play Little League Baseball last summer. I dominated the league (probably because of the steroids).

If you put your head on a stranger's lap on a bus, you can acatualy hear "What the fuck are you doing you crazy asshole?" I mean the ocean.

Did you know that at the bottom of every gallon carton of ice cream is self-loathing and despair?

I want to meet my high school bullies and tell them that I'm now in my mid-twenties, unemployed and live with my mom. That'll show 'em!

I want more followers but don't know how I feel about asking all the girls I know to pose naked so I can post those pics and gain followers.

I was gonna do laundry tonight then I decided not to because I am not going to be seeing anybody anyways...haha! OHMYGOD I NEED FRIENDS

I no longer think of it as sleeping. I now think of it as helping Leonardo DiCaprio. Is this tweet, like, 18 months too late?

I can't wait to have babies so that I can exploit for Youtube videos.