If there's actually living shit in me by all means scare it out.

Insanity isn't doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. That's voting. Insanity is you stab people and don't care.

Hey let's get liquored up and tweet a bunch of bullshit.

I'm in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.

I don't know why you put your boat in Shit Creek to begin with.

If you live in San Andreas then it's your fault.

Owner of the bookstore told me to stop directing fat people towards the large print section. "It's not funny," she said.

Evolution? There's an ape for that.

Sometimes I star it because I can tell how hard you worked on it.

My glass is 100% empty. Or 0% full, for you rat bastard pessimists.

I highly recommend avoiding poverty if you have the means.

I'm typo positive.

If evolution was real my pinkies would be corkscrews by now.

I think the fucking bitch conducting this sensitivity training has got it in for me.

Premature ejaculation!

Too soon?

Does anybody want this last piece of rain forest?

Groundhog emerges from burrow and bursts into flames. Crowd horrified: another 6 weeks of summer.

I imagine all my organs watching in horror as I grocery shop. Liver: No, not the wine! Gut: Cheese? Not again! Heart: Ghaah red meat! No!

Toilet paper is on my shit list.

I want some of this makeup sex that everyone talks about but what do you do? Go down on the lipstick? Ah shit, she's calling security.