The guy on the corner holding the "end of the world is coming soon" sign has been looking just a little more smug lately.

One day my tweets will be read
out loud
by an important person
to a jury of my peers.

Just remember God is up there smiling down on us and picking us off one by one.

I'm sorry but every person I come across with an iPhone or iPad is a giant douchebag until I get one.

100 calorie packs have just enough cookies


to piss me off.

I'm getting kind of sleepy. What time does twitter close?

I got mad at my wife last month and I have been withholding sex from her as a punishment. I'll let you know when she notices.

If truth be told I have starred far too many bestiality tweets to look myself in the eyes in the mirror anymore.

To all the women who fake orgasms: thanks.

If I was a girl I don't think I would like thongs because I hate flip flops.

Sometimes I sit around and wonder how slutty I would dress if I were a girl.

When I'm mad at the world I go star a Justin Bieber tweet.

You know how in cartoons when one character is hungry the other one looks like a giant ham? To my daughter I look like a giant billfold.

When someone has two very similar tweets in a 2 minute period. I like to star the one with the typo.

Plagiarists never have writers block.

Moths are SO stupid the way they can't help but be attracted to the light that is their certain dea.. ooooo BOOBS! What was I saying?

Whenever one of my daughters does something REALLY dumb, a relieved look of certain paternity rolls across my wife's face.

If anybody has REAL cries for help on twitter no one is going to believe them. In fact the suicide tweet will probably be their most starred

spider it was your lucky day to come across a sensitive sole who would take you outside with a paper towel, fly it is never your lucky day

I may be becoming a post modern man but I won't sleep with a girl until I see her avatar.