Dear customer service: First of all, you should know that I’m typing this with my middle finger.

Did you know that if you put your ear to you wife's asshole you can hear her saying "what the fuck are you doing?!"

I think I may have a twitter addiction. I just noticed my 2yr old is asleep & stuck a star on her forehead.

I wonder if Kirsti Alley gets tired of people making jokes at her expanse.

I Sat down with an espresso at Starbucks & looked at The New Yorker for about 5 minutes before he said "do you have a fucking problem, pal?"

I hate it when the weatherman screws up and I end up getting soaked. That’ll teach me to use the urinal next to that idiot.

If the pun is the lowest form of humor, a great many of us are tweeting from down in debasement.

I'm having dinner at Taco Bell. Reservations aren't required, but I sure as hell can't help having them.

Is it okay to relax on a hammock in the backyard while your wife does yard work? I’m basking for a friend.

You know you’re having a sexual dry spell when your MILF fantasy is your own wife.

The annoying thing about toddlers is that when they’re not asleep they're awake.

Took my dog for a walk & snuck away after he pooped cause I forgot the poop bag. Hopefully, my wife will clean the poop off the treadmill.

I'm going to the police station to donate my 3y/o. I just saw on the news that police are looking for a local child.

I still have not received my mail order bride from Prague, so I called and asked about her. They told me the Czech was in the mail.

Couple arrested outside of Walmart trying to sell a baby for $25. Idiots. Everyone knows it's better to rent than sell in this economy.

A spy loses his job during the recession, forecloses on his house, then wanders around homeless. His name:

Bond. Vagabond.

I'm thinking about quitting steroids. It's all the rage.

I just discovered this wonderful little hole in the wall for a blow job.

I once asked a German woman out in Munich, but she stood me up. All I remember is I asked her if she’d meet me at eight and she said nine.

I saw a midget at the gym doing bicep curls. I’m no expert, but shouldn’t he be doing leg extensions.