Wow dude, you really are the sombrero of asshats.

*Refresh* *Refresh* *Popular* *Recent* Oh, cool avatar *click* *star* *star* When did I abandon reality for this?

I just painted my toenails whore red, then immediately confined them to tight heels so they know what shameful little sluts they are.

Husband just called me incorrigible for drinking before noon. I told him drinking before noon will get him laid before two, and he shut up.

My husband had strangers from his commuter train sign my bday card. When I asked them who they were he said, "See, I have followers too."

I don't like my underwear to say "I'm a nice, sweet girl", I like it to say "If you sleep with me there will be only one survivor".

Just got hit in the face with unbearable joy & the putrid odor of cinnamon scented pine cones. It was like being bukkaked by Christmas.

My husband just said, "I'm a grown ass man, I can do what I want!" ....and then we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Not warming his hands before examining my boobies is apparently my Dr's way of saying I think you're annoying and ask too many questions.

There are actually 3 kinds of people in this world:

1. Those who like Neil Diamond

2. Those who don't like Neil Diamond

3. Neil Diamond

Thank you for staring so unapologetically at my boobs, Sir. Let me just say that yours rival mine in cup size and girlish charm.

You guys have to stop changing your avatars, I don't recognize anyone. It's like getting too drunk & wandering into the wrong orgy....again.

I sat in the bathroom for 5 minutes watching a spider ruthlessly wrap ants into tight little balls for snacks later. I really miss dating.

I'm a vegetarian, but I swallow, which also makes me a cannibal. Yeah, it fucks with my head too.

I'd like to open a chain of Disney Princess themed strip clubs called Hakuna Matatas.

Lost a follower after two tweets. Some tweets have to be duds, son, it restores balance to the universe.

Husband: "Thank You, you didn't need to make this." Me: "I know, I need to further illustrate that I am the good one in this relationship."

There once was a girl on Twitter, who loved a good side-splitter. She traded bars for giving out stars, now has no one to diddle her clitter

My boss is so cheap. How cheap is he, you ask? I can't tell you, he's following me on Twitter.

Why are there so many words coming out of you in such a short period of time?