My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?

Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

If you call Starbucks "Starbs," I hope you get totes murds.

Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

I woke up feeling British, melancholy & vaguely homoerotic. Turns out I left the air conditioner on Depeche Mode all night.

"Polar bears can't jump." -Black bears

"I see you're admiring my striped vest," said no one ever.

Opposites attract, which is why it sucks to be this handsome.

Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.

Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job.

The people on this bus just need to relax and let me tickle them.

Lately I've been using this great new stress relief technique that I call "Freaking The Fuck Out."

Overs, Worst To Best:
1) Comb
2) Hang
3) Left
4) Make
5) Sleep

I wish I loved anything as much as I hate almost everything.

Walkie-talkies neither walk nor talk. They should be called holdie-noisies.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.