After two days of wild anal, my toilet now refuses to see me again. :(

if i could pull off a Dawn Weiner costume i'd get laid so much i bet

Well, this spec script turned into a suicide note in a hurry.

Dear pedestrians, "DON'T WALK" means don't fucking walk. Now that I've saved your lives, stay the fuck out of my way. Love, Starfish

Cut the shit, Jose Cuervo. Nobody's drinking you responsibly.

The stunts I've pulled in an orchard would make your teeth burst into flames.

Once saw a group of business people talking very loudly in public. "NO." I said firmly, & then took away all of their lattes.

PSA: There's a pregnant woman crunk in the club.

I broke my banana phone but thank god I have Apple care

I bet John Malkovich can tell when it's fuckin' raining outside and when it isn't.

Never try to keep score with your demons. They'll Bitch and complain and say you're bad at math.

Go piano shopping in sweatpants and you got about three minutes before you're asked to leave.

"Bitch, I can't read social cues!" - someone with Sassperger's Syndrome

"Siri, Malkovich, Malkovich. Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich."

The only way a girl can apologize to her boobs for forgetting to take off her bra when she got home is by putting them in someone's mouth.

Just finished my new flip-book, 'Stick Figures With Huge Dicks Standing Still'

TEEN FOLLOWERS WHO DIDN'T EXIST IN 1994, IT IS YOUR DUTY TO EDUCATE YOURSELF ABOUT THE TOADIES.

Anyone who says their favorite food is sushi or some avocado sandwich bullshit is lying. It's pizza. Just like everyone. You're not so cool.

Marriage magically transforms dirty thoughts into dirty looks.

why do people on craigslist think their bikes are worth so much, your crotch has been ALL OVER THAT so i will give you $1