Having no direction is the most depressing kind of freedom.

When you realize you're not, nor will you be, the hottest, coolest or smartest person, you start your quest to become the drunkest.

Hey, I just met you... and this is crazy... but here's my number... 666 NUMBER OF THE BEAST... HAIL SATAN, HAIL SATAN!!!!

"This is MY hedge! ALL mine! That one too! Back off!! ALL THE HEDGES ARE MINE. NOM NOM NOM NOM."

-- Hedgehog

Give a fish a man and you'll be arrested for murder. Teach a fish to man and you'll need a tiny suit and briefcase.

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling "He doesn't even buy bread."

I recently adopted a highway, since I am unfortunately unable to have a biological highway

"K" is for "Kitten," but it's also for "Kyle." I've always wanted a boyfriend named Kyle. I've always wanted a boyfriend.

"Why does everyone fall asleep when I hug them? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!" -poison dart frog

SAXT: Hey, it's Kenny G again, you haven't been returning these. Is it my hair? I'm willing to cut it for you. Did you get the blood I sent?

This is the part when I head up to bed and wonder what the fuck I did for the last three hours.

Plato said there are only 7 stories: egg babysitting, out-of-town relative, school play, trapped in elevator, Hawaii, blind date, clip show.

I hate it when I'm going down on a cougar and the thing just up and rips my face clean off.

UPDATE: Bernadette is the proud mama to 4 handsome baby ferrets named Todd, Jamar, Kevin, and Usef. They will take my last name, Goldstein.

It's great that you think I'm amazing, but can you move out of the way? I'm trying to win over this person who hates me.

Anyone notice how whenever the supermoon is out, mild mannered satellite Moon Kent is nowhere to be found?

Pretty neat how a single roll of floss is also a lifetime supply of floss.

Why am I always the person who has to explain what a blumpkin is?

It's a relief to call someone and get their voicemail.

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It's like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad