Women shave their legs because it makes them extra aerodynamic during sandwich making.

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

Threesomes are so awkward when you're the only one conscious.

Seeyuhadaloda crooks tryasteeyohawt neverrellyhala coolenevuhfigyaow howdaluv. Howdaluuuv. (rough translation of that Lil Wayne song)

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to pee" - Urethra Franklin

"That guy is such a douchebag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!" - women

Can't wait until evolution gives us sharks for feet.

Can't wait for the apocalypse. Hope I'm a ZILF. (Zombie I'd Like to Fuck)

If David Hasselhoff doesn't describe his workouts as sweating his asseloff, fuck him.

Girls should stop hating on beards and start sitting on them.

Girls are like temporary tattoos: theyre stuck on you for a while after you get them wet.

Valedictorian? More like didntgetanydicktorian.

"Two or more can play at this game!" - Milton Bradley

You'll be a lot happier in Twitter-land if you see someone not following back as more of a challenge than an insult.

If the Hulk doesn't pee Mountain Dew, I give up life forever.

Facebook is the sole reason I hate the people I met in real life.

Is that lint in your pocket or am I just bad at pickup lines?

The only 'green' products I'll ever buy are Hulk hands.

I cry every time I think about all the things I could be doing with a lightsaber.

Cowboys and Aliens: the epic journey of Tony Romo and Troy Aikman saving our planet against immigration.