My mom told me that looks fade so it's always a good idea to have a few really great cookie recipes and be open to the butt-sex.

All women love to be held.

Even if it's by the ankles.

When is the last time you rolled around on a bed & kissed someone for hours... until your lips went numb?

Life needs more of that.

Some of the whiniest bitches I have ever met are full grown men.

I don't feel so bad. America was depressed in her 30's too.

Just blew my nose so hard that it got down on one knee & proposed.

I’ll take the high road. You take the psycho path.

I'm just a nice girl who wants a nice boy to pull her hair sometimes.

Who needs a heart of gold when you have a vagina of magic?

The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.

Instead of learning from my mistakes I like to dwell on them until I have a panic attack.

Someday my prince will come. Hopefully all over me.

I wish all women were as nice as they pretend to be.

My version of angry sex is when my batteries die and I'm forced to use my hand like some sort of neandrothal.

You're never too old to make race car noises while you drive.

Too bad you can't reject a FB friend request with a comment that says: Bitch, please. I fucking hate you & you know this.

It's probably normal to lay awake in bed thinking about how important you aren't to someone.

I have a rare form of CDO that makes me alphabetize acronyms.

Vodka is just water that makes your boobs fall out.

I know you called me a ‘sick fuck’ as an insult, but now I’m aroused and this is awkward.