Today I learned that its offensive to bring a typewriter to a coffee shop.

When I can, I try and be a blessing in disguise. But the ski mask seems to throw people off.

If you love someone, set them free. If she stalks you & leaves dead animals at your doorstep, marry her cause she could be a powerful ally.

If I could be any animal in the world, I'd probably be a Merman. Because of my desire to swim with penguins and touch them inappropriately.

I think I have a secret admirer. Just saw a cute girl in uniform put a note on the windshield of my car! Yay!

Shower sex is all fun and games until you slip and fall, and knock the air out of you and there's no one around to help you up.

I'm going on a singles cruise with my imaginary girlfriend. I know its slightly breaking the rules. But I don't wanna be like those losers.

Do you ever leave the house in such a hurry you forget to put pants on? You look down and realize, "these shoes are so wrong for this look".

Woke up feelin' a little rockstar-ish today. Didn't have a chance to trash the hotel room. But I did leave my towel on the bathroom floor.

You know how when you hang out with girls who are your friends and sometimes accidentally touch their boobs?....Never an accident with me.

My cat likes to watch me get dressed. So tonight I spice it up a bit and threw in a sexy little dance. (Nothing, same dumb look on his face)

Ever lose a couple followers and agonize over trying to find out who they were? Then cope with emotional eating & masturbation? Me neither.

Me: 3 parts hipster 7 parts nerdy, 5 parts lonely 5 parts imaginary girlfriend, 1 part metro 9 parts sexual, 2 parts beer 8 parts red wine.

I don't get how people see animals when they look at clouds. I just see boobs. Ever since I can remember, even as a little boy. Just Boobs.

Two velociraptors walk into a bar, and suddenly everyone knows parkour.

Do you ever think about stuff and start crying? I do, and when people look at me funny, I say "sorry,....method acting."

My diet formula: Jog three days a week, salads with a glass of red wine for dinner, and liposuction on the weekends. Guarantee, it works.

My imaginary girlfriend & I just had a bad imaginary fight. But its ok, we worked it out. And we had some good imaginary make up sex.

I've never been one for androgynous behavior. But if I'm alone and the girl leaves her pantyhose lying around, who am I to say no?

I need a break from me. But No matter where I go - I'm always there! And I'm never there, because I'm always here. Shit.