I need to create a "you're fucking kidding me" folder for my emails.

What do you mean I am not supposed to spank myself on my son's birthday?

My youngest said, "sometimes I just feel my winkie hanging out of my underwear & I don't want to put it back".

Signing him up for twitter.

I told my oldest son he needs to get braces or he'll be forced to fake a British accent for the rest of his life.

I have a sweet parking spot at Target. I'm just going to sit here for the next 10 minutes with my reverse lights on, pissing people off.

My friend told me yesterday that her husband would have sex with me if it would make me feel better.







And it did.

Let's all pause for a moment & mourn the thousands of my nieces & nephews that died on the towel I found in my brother's old room.

Unfortunately, some people take "How much more stupid can you get?" as a personal challenge.

Have you ever been productive at work, then looked down and realized your boobs look good...

and anyway what were we talking about?

"Mom, will you blow on my food?"
"Why yes, I've been told I have some skill in that area."
"What?"
"Nothing."

Each time I go to clean my phone screen, I rub your little avatars over my boobs.

Which one of you is the biter?

Where does Hallmark keep the "I love you but this is too much work & I just want to be fuck buddies" cards?

Just in case I ever need one.

My youngest asked if he could have his weiner painted like Darth Vader for Halloween.

I suppose as long as he wears a helmet it's okay.

He slowed down, so I passed him. He sped up & passed me. He slowed down again, so I killed him.

Justifiable homicide.

It's my oldet son's birthday today. Which means 11 years ago I was cursing the existence of his father. Oddly, nothing has changed.

Sign in our corporate bathroom: No using cell phones in the bathroom. You can tweet about what you did later.

I don't care what bff says in the room next to me...it was an electric razor she heard.

Twitter Fact: If there weren't a character limit on twitter, I would never use the word cuz or an '&' in my writing. That's a fact Jack.

No really I think it's fantastic that your girlfriend texts me and asks me where you are....one of these days I'll tell her....

They shouldn't call it tanning in Arizona, it's leathering.