Explaining the overtime rules took longer than the overtime.

Saw a guy on the N reading @Mike_FTW's book. He had to stop because beautiful women kept offering him blowjobs.

@Mike_FTW Historical documents clearly show that as he was being nailed to the cross Jesus shouted "Unfollow, motherfuckers! UNFOLLOW!"

Telling people how much they don't care about the Super Bowl is San Francisco's Super Bowl.

#VoteMat because Wu-Tang is for the children and @mat had children... Or something...

I'm pretty drunk.

@Mike_FTW Wait until you see their "Fuck You, Give Me Some Currency" poster. Total original.

@Mike_FTW Maybe news of Reagan's birthday hasn't trickled down to them yet.

Did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said "Dead Hipster Storage"? #pulpfictionpdx

@gruber For a better baseball experience mute the TV and blare Yakety Sax whenever a ball is hit to Vlad in the outfield.

@Mike_FTW Bigger liar to congress in the house tonight: McGwire in the dugout or George W Bush in the visiting owner's box?

Bourbon, whiskey, and gin are all perfectly acceptable substitutes for emotions. #lifehacks

That's the guy I fucking voted for.

@gruber @danbenjamin I wrote a review and highly rated The Talk Show because I care about America.

San Francisco friends! Lost Dog: white/cream colored pit mix. Dragging a leash. Name is Lady. Last seen around Lower Nob/TL.

I don't get today's Valentine's Day Google Doodle vid. She turned down a DINOSAUR SWEATER! Why would you keep trying with a girl like that?

If god didn't want us to get drunk and eat tacos then why do taquerias stay open so late?

Big day today.

HUGE day.

Today I stop lying to myself and just permanently move the bottle of Sriracha from the kitchen to my desk.

@inthefade @mulegirl Online event sites need a "sincerely planning to attend, but I'll cancel in a dead panic at the last second" option.

In the history of mailboxes has the letter EVER still been there when you open the flap a second time to make sure it dropped down?

Luckily my earthquake training & instincts kicked in so I reacted properly: Grabbed a fistful of blankets & muttered "fuck fuck fuck fuck".