If vaginas could talk they'd say it's what's on the inside that counts...

There are some people who say I am arrogant and elitist, but I have never much cared for the opinion of the lower classes...

Boss: Could you at least pretend to be working?
Me: I have a better idea - You pretend I'm working

Death is not the greatest loss in life. Indeed, it is what dies inside us while we are alive.

According to twitter I am now following myself... My perceived narcissism just reached a whole new level...

Twitter means never having to drink alone...

I have no problem with authority, I have a problem with morons in positions of authority...

Either my neighbours are attempting to slaughter a donkey with a teaspoon, or they're are having sex... I'm praying it's the former...

Facebook needs a "friends with benefits" request

If twitter bios are to be believed, my followers are global thought leaders in everything from finance to comedy. Global crises explained.

Schrodinger's Cat: The movie. No animals were harmed in the production of this film... possibly...

The problem with good days is that there is very little to tweet about...

I don't have OCD, but certain things just do have to be a certain way or the earth will stop turning and we'll all die...

I will now make you think about my penis. done.

Unlike homemade cards, homemade porn is welcomed and appreciated on birthdays...

When you talk I get the strangest desire to stab myself in the ear. Repeatedly. With a chainsaw. Just thought you should know...

Twitter is the dump valve for my social filter...

Just spoke to Jesus and he said if you star my tweets he'll consider it your good deed for today. Throw in a RT and he'll pardon your sins.

I never think up tweets, I tweet up thinks...

Asked my mother to pick up furikake (rice seasoning) in Japan. It's possible I "accidentally" told her to ask for bukkake. Son of the Year.