Whitney Houston's passing is not funny but this is hilarious. http://t.co/im0jF2RA

I found me an easier Halloween costume. I tried to fit my size 20 body in my size 6 pants and I have the Ultimate Muffin Top!

Just saw that I have one unheard message and I didn't even see my phone ring. I hope it's not:
a) Work related

b) Mel Gibson

Everything I say on Twitter should be taken with a gram of cocaine.

I don't know who Oral Roberts is. There's only one ORAL I know and my mouth enjoys it.

Oral-B: The Brand More Dentists Use Themselves.

Bin Laden - The first victim of Obamacare.

I was supposed to cook with red wine. I drank it instead. Now to explain to the hubs why we're having PBJ on garlic bread for dinner.

Helicopter flying above my apartment. I wanna go out in my hoodie and start running like a thief.

So GINGIVITIS is not the FEAR of redheads?

I'm sorry I had to decline your Facebook friend request. I don't want you to find out that my status updates are tweets I stole from you.

Is there a socially acceptable way for anyone to suck on a chocolate banana? In public? I'm asking for a friend.

I hate reading tweets telling everyone how far they ran. Yeah so you ran 7 miles. I ate 4 slices of pie in 5 mins. Fucking show off!

This is how dumb my co-worker is:
Her on the phone: "OK. Let me spell it for you. L like ELEPHANT."
Me to myself: "Awesome! Tweet material."

You know what would make this protein bar more interesting to eat? If they covered it with chocolate and called it TWIX.

Attention gym fanatics... SPANDEX is a privilege not a right.

Walking home. Hopefully the friction between my thighs will burn enough calories so I can skip the gym.

Smart phone. Stupid people. Smart car. Stupid people. Everything is getting smarter except the people.

Google Analytics is awesome. It shows you who visits/read your blogs & how often they visit. Apparently I am my number one fan.

Today I got in touch with my inner domestic diva. I cleaned...

...my husband's bank account.

I can't wait for Tiger Woods to start playing again. I will be there to yell "WHORE!" every time he hits a bad shot.