Sometimes I get so sick of FOX News I just want to gay-marry an illegal immigrant's abortion. Communist-style.

If I ever run for any political office my platform will be "SHUT THE FUCK UP WE ARE GOING TO SPACE."

Just had passionfruit ice cream for the first time. The clouds parted. Angels sang. My button popped off my jeans.

So glad Japanese character on my shirt was positively translated as 'love.' Was kind of nervous it meant "American Whoreface."

You guys did anyone adjust the rapture for Daylight Savings? I'm not sure if I'm going to fall back or spring forward to damnation.

Basically I punched that wasp to death. There's a first time for everything.

Drinking old coffee. What doesn't kill me makes me awesome.

House is trashed. I need a robot maid that won't rise up against its human oppressor--is that too much to ask, future?

Confession: I own a deviled egg tray. Make of that what you will.

Girl Scout Cookies: no one can eat just one thousand.

Susan G Komen: "Cave for the Cure."

My greatest creation ever, aside from my daughter. http://t.co/wXScdsdD

I really think parenting would be a lot easier if we were all given interns.

More people would partake of communion if Jesus were made of bacon, yo.

AC guy: I’m here to see the unit. I’m staff.
Me: You fixed it before. I remember.
AC: You have a good memory.
Me: Well, you were an ass.

Someone found my blog by searching "Just lost my child in the supermarket." PUT DOWN THE INTERNETS AND LOOK FOR HIM!

Peeps are an excellent source of Vitamin Easter.

If you need me, I will be editing photos for the rest of my natural life.

Because of the mustache I always figured the Lorax sounded like Wilford Brimley."I speak for the trees! And diabeetus."

Just scared the pants off my cat while vacuuming. Do you realize how long it takes to put pants on a cat?!