If you have to unwrap your magazine from a black plastic cover, maybe you shouldn't read it next to me on the airplane.

You hired me to translate snark into customer language. Translating HR-speak into sarcasm is just a side benefit I provide.

Aspirin. Check. Double espresso. Check. St John's Wort. Check. Hanky to wipe tears. Check. There. I'm ready to work on the corporate budget.

With the phrase "sold my soul to the company store" taken, I'm at a loss on how to begin this "Ode to a Corporate Budget."

I just coughed for 10 minutes straight. Who says I'm not working out? By the time I get over this, I'll have great abs!

Everyone has retired to a separate room in the house to play on the computer. This is called "doing something together" right?

Helping huzz proof resume. I notice he left out the best thing that happened at IBM: Met future wife. Caught it in time though, I'll add it.

According to this email, a virus will erase your computer if you read this standing on your head. It's too late for me, but save yourselves!

I'm thinking that extroverts have no idea how many deep thoughts they could be missing.

Rocking chairs are great for nervous energy. By the time I finish this suspense novel, my calves are going to be so toned!

The greatest trick the government ever pulled was convincing a country that Standard Time doesn't exist for 2/3 of the year.

When I get emails with subjects, "Must read if you care" and "Worth a look" at the same time, I don't know which one not to read first.

Sometimes there is a little too much reality in the world.

So, morning, we've got to stop meeting like this. I'm going to need more sleep if this relationship is ever going to work.

Woohoo! My superstar niece passed the bar!

Anybody need a lawyer? She's undefeated.

Did you know that 2/3rd cup of marshmallows is only 100 calories? Also, cover that in chocolate and you'll stop thinking about the calories.

Get out of my way! I need chocolate now!

I've figured out why I only work in the yard two days a year: because it's only 60 degrees two days a year.

Today has been like that 9 hour Christmas drive that took me 15 hours. Universe, if we're going to repeat a day, I request a different one.

Exchange 2007 is not only moody, it has the value-added feature of complaining when it's upset. Bonus!