The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is sure, just talk about Passive Aggressive Club all you want. It's fine. Go ahead, I don't mind.

My washing machine beeps for a problem, but it has trouble being more specific. "What's that, little guy? Timmy's fallen down the well?"

You know, you guys are right: it makes Twitter *even better* when you take your pants off first.

Just got myself an iPhone. If you're wondering how long it took me to get chocolate on it, shut up.

Just did a set of push-ups for the first time in six weeks. I guess what I'm trying to say is ...

... would someone please help me up?

There's nothing sexier than a smart woman. This is a problem, because nobody smart enough to be interesting is stupid enough to date me.

Throwing out several empty pizza boxes in my apartment block's dumpster, and just like that, I invented a new Walk Of Shame.

About to cook my signature dish, "whatever's in the fridge, thrown together with rice."

I keep forgetting my boss's name. This probably won't help my career.

The thing about having a bad attitude is fuck you.

Hairdresser: What'll it be? Me: Make me beautiful. Hairdresser: Um. I, well, I ... I have scissors ... I guess ...

Cute guy bought me drinks. Should I have told him I'm not gay or just that I don't drink rum?

Any time I start to worry I might be getting too happy, I log on to Internet banking and check my balance. Perspective's a bitch.

How many Calories in a bottle of sauvignon blanc? Asking for a friend. A fat, alcoholic friend.

If there's one thing I've learnt about women, it's this: they can smell fear.

Boss suggested I publish this closure report. I think it was a compliment, but she may have been criticising my use of epic Norse verse.

Going to keep working 'til 7, pick up a sixpack and a pizza, and when both are finished, fall asleep on the couch in a pool of my own tears.

My people use the whole vending machine.

My hand and wrist are causing me astounding pain, but I don't dare admit it, because of the inevitable jokes.

They said I can't manage this new project while curled up in the foetal position under my desk, but I don't see that I really have a choice.