Last night, an old chap in the local yawned whilst at the urinals. His teeth fell out and he pissed all over them.

@LitterrBox during rage against the machines performance at reading festival someone had a shit in the mosh pit #gigs

@wo0 not mine, but a lad I know left his girlfriend, who had M.E. on the tube because "she was being a lazy bitch". Never saw her again

Lovely conversation with @n1ckhe4d http://t.co/De0b7NIO

@neilsmyth84 @n1ckhe4d sorry mate, I hope this will make everything better http://t.co/M3ihla8r

@JustHelens you mentioned there was no noshing off so I thought it a bit pointless to ask

@LitterrBox my mate got a hamster called trevor sinclair. His dog ate it within an hour. He replaced it with another called barry white

@LitterrBox my parents call the television remote control "the geiger counter" #traits

@LitterrBox I tried it on with the head of business development, fell asleep and pissed myself #xmasparties

@wo0 my mate bobby d once shat in a box and had it delivered via courier to one of his 'enemies'. One nice long unbroken turd

I don't know why I woke up next to an apple

@yplac it took her 5 full minutes to park it like that. She reversed into that shop behind halfway thru. http://t.co/EXXGvRa8

@JustHelens I'd be one of them springy metal things that stop you smashing the door into the wall

@Manchests (via @n1ckhe4d ) #thuglife http://t.co/vZn6Dy5g

I've got a hole in my underpants. Please RT

Happy birthday to @Manchests , give him a follow. He's funny n that. He's also more gangsta than you'll ever be. #thuglife

@Manchests you got my 2000th tweet. Congratulations. @wellybadger is the previous holder of the 1000th tweet. Both legends

Fuckin hell jessie j should be haunting houses. #thevoice

I've had such a fuckin shit week I've decided to have my first e in months. Apologies in advance for whatever I may tweet later

@wo0 you tried doug stanhope's stuff too? He's fuckin horrible