I preferred American Idol years ago when it wasn't on.

BRUCE WILLIS HAS BEEN DEAD THE WHOLE TIME!

BREAKING: Vancouver takes the silver medal in Being Seattle.

I'm at the lamest Tweetup. Everyone is serious and uses Outlook instead of Twitter. No one seems to enjoy my hugs… BRB "HR" wants to see me.

Minimalists do it.

I'd like to see BP try to downplay the Gulf of Mexico gusher after people from Asia start shooting out of the pipe.

So I went to Starbucks for Free Pasties Day, but all the baristas were wearing their normal clothes, and from there it's a blur, officer.

BREAKING: Dr. Conrad Murray found guilty of helping Herman Cain get Justin Bieber pregnant.

Why are we watching a live internet stream of men exiting a hole? Isn't this using the internet backwards?

The new Björk single is just four minutes of her coughing.

Points were just scored in the sports contest I am watching! This excites me positively or negatively!

Yo mama so fat she trampled several shoppers at Amazon.com.

A slang word for player is playa. Playa means beach. Beach sounds like bitch. Bitch ends like sandwich.

Now I'm hungry and confused.

James Cameron will just digitally replace Kathryn Bigelow with himself.

STOP PUBLISHING FUNNY TWEETS SO I CAN CATCH UP WITH ALL OF THESE APPRECIATION NOTES I'M WRITING! MY WRITING HAND IS CRAMPING!

Get out of my dreams. Get into my car. Get out of my car. Get into Arby's. Get me a large roast beef. Get out of Arby's. Get into my car.

That which does not kill me gives me crippling diarrhea.

My wife, five minutes after I removed my sandals, "I'm surprised cartoon wavy lines aren't coming out of your feet."

Typical President's Eve at home. Leaving milk, cookies, and a plantation owner's brain near the fireplace for Zombie Abraham Lincoln.

The real irony is that Johnson & Johnson sells no erectile dysfunction or male enhancement drugs.