In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.

If Kurt Cobain taught me anything, it was to keep it simple...

Also, don't marry a crack-whore.

The strippers on the morning shift here are not attractive, I feel like a tampon. In a wonderful place at the wrong fucking time.

If you cant be pretty or smart, the least you could do is be quiet.

A lot of money can be saved by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.

If you didn't cry at the end of Marley and Me, you're a monster, or a cat person, same thing.

Hey guys, chicks don't want to see your dick pics. They want to hear that they're pretty and that you miss them. Carry on.

If you want a man to do something, blowjobs work better than bitching.

I retweet because I follow awesome people and want you to follow them too... plus I am not funny all the time.

Tonight I beat the shit outta the motherfucker responsible for all my problems.

My face hurts.

I can handle midgets, clowns and even KISS fans, but adults who wear Tweety Bird clothing fucking terrify me.

Dont flatter yourself, women are trained to convince you your dick is the greatest they've ever seen.

Don't fucking ever underestimate how much a random smile can mean to somebody.

Society should be crucified for making beautiful women feel inadequate.

If there isn't already a grain delivery business called "Haulin' Oats," there fucking needs to be.

Studies show semen taken vaginally can act as an anti-depressant...so, instead of saying 'cheer up' I'm gonna tell everyone to get fucked.

If you think about this as a place to go laugh and have fun instead of a competition, you'd be happier and less of a fuckwad.

It's sad how many people are underfollowed, It's even more tragic how many unfunny cunts are overfollowed.

I hate when I'm writing a tweet and some dumb fucker calls or texts me. That is NOT what this phone is for!

Strippers always say they're working their way through school. GEDs must be expensive.