Saw a guy with a $20 bill sticking out of his fly.Pretty ingenious trying to capitalize on the fact that women can't resist blowing money.

When I die, I want to be buried wearing roller skates so I'll automatically have an edge during the zombie uprising.

I took a "How rude are you?" quiz on facebook today and it told me to go back to Twitter.

Please stop staring at my ass, sir. These glutes weren't made for gawking.

I'm not bad with names, I'm just bad with caring.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

The 'unnamed' company I work for just followed me on Twitter & I blocked them.This was quite possibly my most fulfilling Twitter moment ever

I know it's passive-aggressive, but it feels really good to use shopping bags with my employer's logo on them to pick up my dogs crap.

Tonight I'm going to party like all I have left to spend is $19.99.

Is it wrong to feel joy when the sound of loud screaming kids outside is replaced by a loud thud and immediate high-pitched crying?

I went to Borders and asked the clerk where the "Self Help" section was and she told me to find it myself.

Screw Nicolas Cage. If anyone should be suing their manager it's Ray Liotta. How the hell do you go from Goodfellas to Operation Dumbo Drop?

Some days you're the nipple and some days you're the clamp.

In high school,my friends & I would say 'sodium' when we saw a hot guy, bcuz the symbol 'Na' would stand for 'nice ass".Yeah, I was a geek.

Dear Bowflex, the only thing that's "fun and doesn't feel like exercising" is sex. Which coincidentally, also uses "power rod technology".

If ignorance is bliss, why are my managers always in a piss-ass mood?

I would spend more time outside, but it's not as hi-def as my TV.

I like to pretend that being the strange, quiet girl that lives alone with her dog & avoids human contact is merely a social experiment.

I chipped my front tooth today which means my choice of Halloween costumes is now limited to white trash meth-head carnie-whore.

My neighbor downstairs moved out. I think it was the chicken bone "wind chimes" I hung from my balcony that finally did it.