Once upon a time we were all busy wasting our time doing shit. Then this pothead comes up with twitter and here we are, being important.

Knock, Knock... Who's there?... Opportunity... Don't be silly, opportunity doesn't knock twice.

Everyone laughs in the same language, but that's no excuse for excessive gum exposure like you're late in the evolutionary process.

He who angers you, conquers you. So yeah, keep your cool. But piss the shit out of people.

I like it when it's cold enough to feel pretty comfy covered in a blanket. It gives me that girly touch I deserve.

I'm a sucker for cute faces and hard-to-get chicks. Oh and girls with rocking bodies. Also toss in the girls who are easy. Yes, I'm choosy.

Everytime I see a guy employ my signature flirt moves I think to myself 'that's pathetic'.

Who do I have to fuck to make it to that leaderboard around here? Ok, you got me. I just want to fuck.

I'm really beginning to think some of you aren't full time tweeters.

Note to self : Next time when trying to save the cute girl in the mall from a predator, make sure it's not the husband.

Leo DiCaprio is the MLK of the new age. He has a dream within a dream, within a dream.

Yo mama jokes are much funnier when you do it with your brother.

I do realize that theres more than one fish in the sea. But I also have come to know that I'm not the only guy out fishing.

I get really annoyed with chicks who get their eyebrows shaped too thin.

I sense you guys secretly feel emotions.

The most interesting thing I've learnt from twitter is that girls love sex more than guys & they have very naughty thoughts.

Being the only thing getting me out of bed, I'm seriously considering taking up bed wetting again.

Fastest way to get a message across to everyone? Telling a woman not to tell anyone.

Husband=bra. Supports you most of the time. You never appreciate enough.
Always on your tits. Lose them and you'll have fun.

I operate on the principle that my ego doesn't require validation. Much less from strangers. Btw I see you haven't starred this tweet yet.