I worry that my son's teacher will ask him what his dad does and he'll say, "He sits at the computer in his underwear and drinks whiskey."

I love the way this song syncs up with the windshield wipers on every 23rd beat and it's not even raining and this weed is fucking awesome.

When I was a kid, we didn't have the internet. We had to go to the library to masturbate.

Twitter is just like Facebook except it eliminates all the stuff that sucks. Like Mafia Wars, baby photos, and people you know in real life.

The kids filled out a card for their parents for Open House. Under "Things I am Good at:" My son wrote "speling". Not making this up.

Kids today take the internet for granted. When I was young, I had to go door to door to tell everyone about the shit I just took.

I have to go to a cookout/pool party at noon. I might have to take my shirt off. I have 2 hours and 26 minutes to get in shape.

My boss called me in for a surprise drug test. I told him there was no way I would test any drugs unless I knew what they were beforehand.

It's best not to ask the day shift strippers what time the hot broads come in.

I just spent $28 on Domino's Pizza because I wanted a bottle of Diet Coke delivered.

Why yes officer, I've been drinking. But the car isn't going to drive itself to go get a can of Pringles. Jesus.

I'm planning a surprise birthday party for Jesus if anyone is interested. I'm hiring some strippers. That guy hasn't gotten nailed in years.

The hardest part about coaching Little League is remembering not to say, "MOTHERFUCKER FIRST FUCKING BASE GODDAMMIT SHIT!!!" all the time.

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow, and I don't have to buy anybody anything. Not getting laid for the past ten months is finally paying off.

Sometimes I get biscotti and bukkake confused and I end up eating twice-baked cookies with a bunch of guys in an abandoned warehouse.

My father just told my son he should eat his broccoli because it "puts lead in your pencil." Thanks, dad. I'll take it from here.

I was just exposed to Lady Gaga for the first time. I can't decide if I should vomit, cream my pants, cream my vomit, or vomit my pants.

I don't know anything about Kanye West, but I do enjoy hating people. Put me down for one.

Heading over to facebook for a while to find out what time that girl I banged in high school is taking her kid to hockey practice tomorrow.

I just got started on my taxes. So far, I collected all the unopened mail and called my ex-wife and asked her how many kids we have.