Everything seems to be coming my way today! Oh, it appears I'm in the wrong lane.

I don't think my face and my body accurately convey how good looking I really am.

Don't want to be all Republican on everyone, but I think those Gosselin kids need both a male and female exploiter in their lives.

Sometimes I think my tweeting is repetitive. Redundant. That I say the same thing over and over again.

Watching men trying to flirt on Twitter has really restored my confidence in my game.

Gym woman, you're just insanely hot enough to pull off that RIDICULOUS outfit. But you're on notice. Now look away so I can let out my gut.

"Grow up!" I yelled at my 4 YO as he tried to steal my bowl of cheddar goldfish crackers and apple juice.

I think these pleated khackis have convinced the bank executives that I'm not fucking around.

Mmmm. Cookies. This road to Type-2 diabetes is pretty sweet.

They call it a happy ending, but I always leave feeling sad.

Dunkin needs two drive-thru lanes! One with a sign "Coffee and Donuts." And one with "Faggy Sweet Things and Other Bullshit." HONK! HONK!

I think I can trace this string of bad luck back to the day I tossed my Barbizon school of modeling application in the trash.

EHarmony is having a free subscription weekend. Cool! I'm looking for someone who's normally too cheap or poor to join a dating service.

Now that I look back on it, I peaked in high school.

Look. I know you're just starring my tweet b/c you think my avatar is hot and not because of what I say. PERV! You know who you are!

I'd like to thank the Hallmark corporation for creating a holiday which makes my wife feel obligated to give me a blowjob.

I'm having a good penis day. Penis looks damn good. Maybe I should walk around naked? Wonder if tight pants might ruin it? Decisions!

If this percocet doesn't kick in in the next 20 minutes, I'm just going to sit here in extreme agony and bitch! Unlike what I'm doing now.

It's true that I did ask you why one gets more stars on favstar than on favrd. But honestly, your answer is boring the shit out of me.

Never fully understood the purpose of having to concentrate on the orange juice container.