Protip: texting and driving counts when you're pushing a shopping cart, too.

True friends are the ones who give up their bad mood when they're know you're drowning under your own.

I am probably the only person who can cut her elbow while shaving her legs.

It amuses me that this company spelled the name of my city wrong. Really? There are five individual letters in it. You had a good chance!

I like not wearing my glasses because my house looks so much cleaner.

Don't wash dishes and cut tomatoes at the same time or they'll taste like soap. The tomatoes. Don't know how dishes taste, I don't eat them.

I know I'm not supposed to talk about work and all that but when a customer's name is "Bud Waddle," I just kinda have to mention it, y'know?

We're too lazy to get up and shut the blinds even though it's dark out, so we've just taken to crawling around the apartment.

Here's the thing: once you get to the top of Mt. Everest, *you have to go back down.*

My bra squeaks when I walk. So, you know, if you hear a squeaking noise coming, it's probably my boob, not a mouse. Don't shoot.

Glenlivet > Fuzzy Navel > Fuzzy Navel > Jack and Coke > Bloody Mary > Bloody Mary > Topless

The girl across from me has an adorable hat and unfortunate makeup. I can't decide between envy or scorn.

I smell like outside. GETITOFF.

Leftover pad thai for breakfast? Don't mind if I do.

If you're too lazy to type "to" instead of "2," then I think you need to stop texting and stick to phone calls. Only, don't call me.

Happy birthday, America! I baked you a cake! Except not really because this is America and that's what the supermarket is for.

I wonder how often my neighbor would slam his door if I forced him to duct tape his penis to the door frame.

So..what do I win when all the stuff's unpacked? There IS a prize, right?

I don't have a problem with Green Day's music being turned into a Broadway musical, but...just...why?

Waking up doesn't bother me so much, it's the having to get out of bed and function part I have issues with.