Facebook is like Sunday school where we exchange clean jokes and recipes. Twitter is like Fight Club where we exchange spit and punches.

What's a good age to tell your dog he's adopted?

This bus smells like a bunch of poor people in a bus.

Justin Bieber can now legally marry any girl she wants.

There should be a cemetery for tweets that didn't get a single star.

Oh. Facebook.

If I had $10 million for every crappy movie I make, I'd be Nicholas Cage.

My mind thinks "unemployed" when I see 29,814 tweets in someone's profile.

When I see someone using a payphone I always think they're arranging the ransom drop off.

Despite Twitter, I commend you all for finding ample time for your work, family, and friends.

Ok, that just made me laugh a little.

Twitter: The funniest movie ever with a cast of thousands and not a trace of cohesive plot whatsoever.

Sometimes I wonder why the Hamburger Helper hand only has four fingers.

"I'm blocking you so you can't technically unfollow" is the new "I'm firing you so you can't technically quit."

So a STAR is a kiss on the cheek while an RT is a full-on open-mouth tongue-to-throat action, yes? Please RT. But star first.

"Son, you're mother and I are getting a divorce."

"Whoa dude! Back up. Back up. You're married to my mother?!"

Less celebrity deaths. More celebrity sex tapes.

What if the elephant in the room is your boss's wife?

Apparently, it's still uncool to be doing tequila shots on a hot Monday afternoon before happy hour.

Around kids.

At the library.

"I have different shoes for volleyball and badminton" is like saying "I have different keyboards for Twitter and Facebook."

Donald Trump: "BULLSHIT BIN LADEN IS DEAD. SHOW US THE DEATH CERTIFICATE."

I bet BP's CEO's been spending a lot of time on eBay looking for a used Hot Tub Time Machine.