Rollback is also how overweight Walmart shoppers get back to their cars.

Blues music: for when you're tired of reading Facebook and want to hear some professional whining.

Somehow I knew Al Sharpton wasn't quite what they had in mind when they said "welcome race fans."

Knowing I'm the only one who understands my jokes gives me a smug sense of superiority.

"Thrice a lady" just didn't sound as good.

"All this time, you were only using me to get to salsa?" - the tortilla chip's heartbreak was quickly replaced by anger.

Just once I'd like to hear a country song about a gay barista in New York.

If it weren't for the wolf, I never would have known sheep had clothing.

Cliche fruitcake:
2 lemons life gave you
Chopped fruits of your labor
Nuts from near the tree
Eggs from bird in hand
Combine, bake, regift.

Stymied by this rap song I'm writing.. What's a slang word for genitalia that rhymes with linoleum?

I take my name tag off when I go on break. Anything to avoid living out the Cheers theme song.

It was a dark time in my life. The store was all out of White Cheddar Cheez-Its.

I less than three you too.

In retrospect, telling the coach I was "batting a thousand eyelashes" did make me sound like a sissy.

Can't wait for Sex and the City 3: Menopause in Manhattan.

Mr. Wiffle and I would have never gotten along. Charmin is my main squeeze.

I've stopped offering to take pictures of people. I can't handle the condescension when they tell me to "press the silver button."

Some days you're a dragonfly.

Some days you're my windshield.

Either way, it sucks to be you.

The word is hemorrhage. There's no such thing as a brain hemorrhoid, unless your head is up there to begin with.

People in the South call grocery carts buggies. There's something to laugh at while you drink your pop.