If I were a porn star, what I just did to that double cheeseburger would have me earning top dollar.

Ever get really bored and see how many CDs you can stack on your nipples?

Me neither.

Sometimes men make me want to be 100% gay.

Then they whip out their penis and I remember why I'm not.

There are the guys you date, and the guys you fuck. When one tries to be the other, they become neither.

"She doesn't have tan lines. She has tan folds."

80-something patient hits guy pushing his wheelchair and tells him to go past me again so he can smack my ass. So, got that going for me.

If my next car doesn't have heated seats, I'm paying someone to keep their hands under my ass as I drive.

If you didn't want to see me dancing around naked, you should've stuck to shoveling snow instead of looking up at my window, lady.

"Looks like you're never getting laid again."

"I have a vagina. It's pretty much guaranteed I'll get laid again. You, not so much."

It's not that I don't believe in sex before marriage. It's that I don't believe in marriage.

If I were a superhero, my secret identity would be a weird, clumsy chick.

OH MY GOD! WHAT IF I'M A SUPERHERO AND DON'T KNOW IT?

I haven't gone this long without sex since I was in a relationship.

Pro Tip: Going outside braless is an excellent way to meet your helpful male neighbors.

Dear Victoria's Secret,

Thanks for making my boobs look better now than they did when they were bigger. I can't keep my hands off 'em.

"I'm not dead yet!" - Me, waking up to the cat biting my ankle.

Being half Arab, it was always awkward when they referred to it as "bomb ass pussy."

It's been so long since I've had sex that when he said he wanted to play with my dirty pillows, I thought he wanted to wash my sheets.

Dear Delivery Guys,

8:30 is NOT "between 9 and 1." That's at least 30 more minutes that I had to wear pants. Not cool.

There are three men filling a large hole in the street while two more watch.

Totally unrelated: I miss your mom.

I enjoy 70's exploitation movies, but I do not enjoy full-frontal 70's pubic hair.