I think my girlfriend is starring another man's tweets.

The internet has allowed me to be disappointed in people I have never even met.

How sad it must be to define yourself solely by what you're against.

I have 104 problems, but 5 of them are bitch-related. So it all works out.

Can I have a friend? I am asking for a friend.

Twitter's the place to brag about having sex with your girlfriend right? Well guess what? I just had sex with your girlfriend.

Zooey Deschanel looks like she was designed by a committee of gay men who were trying to guess what hetero guys want in a girlfriend.

If your deadline is 'ASAP' I'm going to assume you have no actual deadline and just like to make people rush.

Australia's a strange place. I can legally pay for a woman to have actual sex with me, but I can't play Leisure Suit Larry.

Now that Fosters is no longer Australian, I feel like a huge national shame has been erased.

I didn't think such a thing was possible but Tiger Woods' sex scandal is even more boring than golf.

There are not enough quality people in the world, so when you find them, do whatever you can to keep them around.

One of the great things about being an atheist is Christmas. This cocaine orgy is AWESOME.

Greenpeace on Climate Change: "Listen to Science". Greenpeace on GM crops: "Scientists will kill us all!"

With a new one for each day, Tiger's harem is like an advent calendar except for some reason none of them are actually chocolate.

How many days after you have first have sex with someone can you unfriend them on Facebook?

Sex is the only human endeavour where we pretend amateurs are better than professionals.

Whenever I hear the phrase 'intelligent design', I reach for my evolver.

My girlfriend just bought Crocs. I am now in the market for a new girlfriend.

You can't spell 'nachos' without 'chaos', plus an extra 'n' because fuck you I do what I want.