"Scantily" is my favorite kind of "clad".

I know it's irrational, but pi is one of my favorite numbers.

I enjoy the irony that in the divorce, my wife will get the couch that I have spent so many nights on.

Put on pants, THEN go to Post Office.
Put on pants, THEN go to Post Office.

I swear I'll get it right this time.

I'd like to lose about 65 pounds. Are there casinos in England?

I am my son's favorite piece of furniture.

I don't believe in negotiating with terrorists -- unless they're 6, apparently.

Not tonight. I have a handache.

Tumblr's still down? Preposterous!

Bacon: It's not why I'm fat. It's why I'm *happy*.

I've just made a deal that will keep the Empire out of this apartment for another 13 months.

I can't wait for the final season of LOST.

Especially the episode where the Harlem Globetrotters show up on the island.

Eating a OH GOD I CAN’T EAT ANY MORE ON THIS TRIP

I just taught myself what "autodidact" means.

I'm thinking of starting a social network for cannibals and calling it "Facecook."

I hate getting up to go to the bathroom in the wee hours of the night. But I guess that's how they got their name.

Wish I'd ordered my new President from Amazon. Free 2-day shipping instead of having to wait until 1/20/09.

Oh, you're a vegetarian? What a coincidence! I eat vegetarians!

Did Twitter go down for a long time? I'm sure I can do better.

LADIES.

Boy: Can I have some chocolate?
Me: After dinner. What do you want for dinner?
Boy: Uh… something small.