If you're in a clown posse, you don't need to tell us you're insane. We know.

Nobody's thinking you're an emotionally stable clown posse.

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

"Let's call all your ex-girlfriends."

~ Alcohol.

Reports now indicate the birds in Arkansas likely died of exhaustion while working together to lift a giant, really annoying symbolic whale.

BRO: Rode that girl like a horse, brah.

ME: You didn't put your penis in her?

BRO: Huh? Yeah I did.

ME: That is not how you ride a horse.

Burning a book will never lighten the darkness that is terrifying you.

Reading it might.

The sidewalk is a little road for people who are so poor they have to drive their legs.

Honey, did you make decaf? This coffee tastes an awful lot like divorce.

Isn't it so weird when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating.

If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun.

Do you guys know what sewing is? A girl at work just fixed my pants with string and some kind of tiny sword. It was like magic.

Barbed wire tells me, Adam, you shouldn't climb this fence.

I say, Barb, they only use you if there's something awesome on the other side!

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

What happens in Vegas never happens to me.

The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

All my worst problems started out as solutions.

A black guy willing to hold a frisbee, smile and sit on some grass with white kids can make a career out of appearing in college brochures.

I bet that baby is all grown up now and never shuts the fuck up about being on the cover of a Nirvana album.

As far as I can tell, every single squirrel is paranoid and extremely athletic.

Being ultra successful on Twitter must feel a little like writing a book that's a bestseller in Narnia.