See cop. Slow down. Stop texting.

Realize I'm walking.

Small Tasks vs Large Tasks http://t.co/bYLOhQE8

It is scientifically impossible to be sad while eating tacos. They've done studies.

If you think a professional is expensive, wait until you try an amateur.

❒Single ❒Taken ✔Winning

I'll videoblog me eating a sandwich for every person that favs or retweets this tweet.

Kick starter for bringing back the sun. $0/$1,000,000,000

I wrote an Obamaville / @MayorEmanuel crossover fan fiction • http://t.co/SWzysFa8 (//cc @mat @girlinback @dansinker)

Today I met a girlscout. She used @square to take credit cards.

Oh Sweet Thin Mints.

Pro Tip: ‘The Floor Is Lava’ is the best ice breaker for business meetings. //cc @sheerid @almafumiko

Someone block me from buying domains after 11pm or after drinking. Hello http://t.co/9sy6plcl. I promise to use you well.

Concentric Sky is donating $5 to @foodforlc for every tweet with @concentricsky #giveback and @foodforlc (Get tweeting, folks! #eugene)

I don't do relationships. I do relationYACHTS

No one on a septic tank website has ever thought 'If only I could share this with all of my friends'

All I'm saying is Facebook had an IPO and then the sun blacked out.

San Diego Review: the girls down here have fine asses. 5/5.

1. Every American gets an amazon gift card for their tax refund
2. USA Affiliate code on amazon
3. No more national debt

Announcing: BurritoGram • http://t.co/WsYuMNCx • It’s like porn, but burritos.

Guys iguanas have two penises and I am way too fucking sober to deal with this

Opening a restaurant "fuck you, we're open! "Catering to the Christmas day Jewish and atheist crowds.