I am so glad that BP is easier to spell then Eyjafjallajökull

Its been so long I thought briefly about sticking my junk in the blood pressure machine down at wal-mart

I fell off the kitchen counter this morning...Fuck murphy's law...I landed butter side up

Apparently its not socially acceptable to use your Johnson as a divider between your groceries and the lady's in front of you

I remember when Omega-3's was a just a good night at the sorority

is taking matters into your own hands a euphemism? If not, it sure feels like it.

So today is National Coming out day...I guess that makes tomorrow "yeah we already knew day"

dont you just love that person on FB that post those positive, thoughtful, insightful messages, but in real life they are a complete asshole

Dear 8th grader in Iceland, you win the science fair, very impressive, now its time to turn it off.

well I guess I wasted that viagra, anybody need a place to hang their towel?

I really love this Memory Foam, except everytime I roll over it reminds me of my shortcomings, wait I mean my big......

First rule of, first rule club is, already have a rule in mind before you start a first rule tweet

Star this tweet now and pay no intrest until 2013

Well I guess that makes two of us who didnt have their Jimmy Dean breakfast this morning

I need a bumper sticker that says, nobody gives a shit what your bumper sticker says

That police sketch artist rendering of me was way off! They didnt even have any pancakes in it

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for life, until life bends you over with a oil spill

when it comes to finger fucking...is there a rule of thumb?

'Sex And The City 3' some, Now I'd watch that

you know whats funny about this tweet? nothing, not a damn thing