If Fox News gets access to White House press events, so should The Onion, The Daily Show, and Borowitz Report.

I'm the oldest of 7 kids - believe me, practice only makes things worse.

Notice how "spiteful" has a P in it? Well, now so does my boss' coffee.

Roses are red, violets are blue, and so are all the people not getting laid today.

If I had a dime for every typo in my Tweets . . . I wouldn't even try to spell correctly. In fact, I'd probably type with my penis.

I call my 6-year-old sister "Adobe Updater" because she tries to be helpful, but mostly she's just annoying.

This company's 2nd-biggest mistake was giving me a web filter override. The first, of course, was hiring me.

I like my women like I like my thermometer: Oral.

Seriously people, don't Tweet and drive. Studies show that people who Tweet while driving are ten times more likely to have a typo.

Teacher wanted to see me after class, something about my attendance. Anyway, who's supposed to make the first move? I don't watch much porn.

I think the reason Twitter keeps crashing is because most of the birds that usually carry the whale got trapped in oil and died.

I for one, am enthralled by the unveiling of the 10-billionth Tweet. In fact, I would have starred it, but I had just starred another Tweet.

I get all my best ideas in the shower, like hiring a really hot secretary to shower with me and take down notes.

Of course, Bi-Curious George has a whole other way of eating his bananas.

My girlfriend thinks I only stay with her for the sex, but she's wrong. I can do myself. The laundry can't.

Can somebody tell me where the "Star All" button is?

"A little bit of Jessica, with a side of Megan, and a large order of Rita" - Combo Number Five

I bet things get pretty awkward when two anonymous Twitter friends finally meet and find out that they're co-workers.

FYI, I was raised Catholic. So, next time you need another "holiday" to give you a reason to drink excessively, let me know. We've got more.

The thing I hate about having anal sex is how hard it is to spell annual right.